Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”