Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Why is this me 😫
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
went fishing caught a bass
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
2022 will be better than 2021
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face