Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.