check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
guys i’ve cracked the code
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.