THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You Might Also Like
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON