All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill