Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I have never related to a cat more
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
How wrong was this guy?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??