[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
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Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.