Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Sharon, call the vet
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean