At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol