You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Somebody’s lying.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.