I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me