doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they鈥檙e eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you鈥檙e fired
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I鈥檇 love to say I鈥檇 be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I鈥檓 the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
When you鈥檝e lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable馃檮
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.