If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few