Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
You Might Also Like
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“HELP WITH CAT”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago