Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.