How to draw a duck
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.