if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?