When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit