I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
You Might Also Like
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Smells like a challenge to me
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.