i would wish you the best but i am the best
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
They also CAN sing✌️
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad