[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
why isn’t he texting back
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I told my vodka about you.
even bears disappoint their mothers
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.