Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE