[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
the composer
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth