BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Natural selection at its finest
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
What number SPF blocks people?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Boom, boom, ching!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.