I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch