If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Yup….perfect score!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.