[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
You Might Also Like
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.