Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!