you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.