Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You Might Also Like
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
much to think about
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]