rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
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[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.