piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …