[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Great Canadian literature.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Same pineapple, same
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.