If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words