*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.