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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Is this you?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons