“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.