“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.