I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
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Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!