in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
#TopTip
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now