[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.