March 16
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]