In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You wish you had this many chins.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”