if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased