*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE