ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream