Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks