Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.