The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book